A Little Help From My Friends?

Good evening, my lovelies. How are all of you? Things here have been pretty swell! Update coming, but for now I need some help from you.

This is my Dad, Ken. (Yes, Ken Kennington. It's spectacular, I know.)

He's the big one. 

My dad is incredible. Seriously, ask anyone who knows him and they'll tell you what an outstanding man he is.

My dad is the most honest, hardworking, dedicated, selfless, caring, trustworthy, brave person I have ever known. 

He always puts others before himself, and he is constantly striving to serve the Lord and those around him.

Remember 2 years ago when this happened? (I know it's a long post, but if you read it and the few posts that follow it you will understand a lot more)

It's been completely devastating, and - to be completely honest - things haven't been the same for my family ever since. I don't think anyone can ever understand what that kind of situation is like until you're in it. It's truly heartbreaking.

And it  took a huge toll on my parents, my dad especially. 

Since all of that happened life has drastically changed. They moved, Mom has started working 3 jobs (which she can't work now because of a couple of emergency surgeries she had a couple of weeks ago - more on that later), and dad wrote a book. 

The book is his baby. It's published, and ready to go - we are just waiting on the website and a few finishing touches before things launch. It's brilliant, I promise. 

But dad hasn't been able to find a place to work. Just a few weeks ago (right before mom was in the hospital) he was hired on at the Home Depot part time seasonally. This has been a huge blessing for a couple of reasons: they have a source of income, no matter how small it may be, and it gets him out of the house and helps him feel a bit better. 

But my dad has a terrible back. No really, that's the understatement of the century. He had surgery on it a little over a year ago, but it didn't work and things have gotten much, much worse. He has to sleep on the couch every night because it's the only thing that will alleviate a little of the pressure and pain. He can hardly walk, so being on his feet all day, every day at work is completely wearing him down...but he will do it because he is an extraordinary worker and he will always sacrifice for his family. 

But my friends, my dad needs a job. A real job that is suitable for a man of his age and that will pay him enough to support his family. He needs a full time job with benefits so he, my mom, and Jason (my 15 year old brother) can have insurance. He needs something where he doesn't have to be on his feet all day. 

My dad has a billion qualifications that make him ideal for so many jobs, especially sales. He is a remarkable salesman, but the best part is that he is an honest salesman. The amount of integrity this man has never ceases to amaze me. He has such a positive outlook, is so friendly, has a great sense of humor, works amazingly hard, goes above and beyond, is so personable, and is great with customer service. 

Business and numbers is what my dad knows and loves. If only people would give him a chance they would be blown away at how skilled he is! But my dad doesn't have a degree, so people haven't give him a chance thusfar. 

This is where you all come in. Everyone always says that networking is the best way to get a job, so that's what I am trying to do. My parents have no idea I'm doing this, but I feel like it's the right thing to do and I hope and pray that it will lead to something because my family so desperately needs and deserves a miracle right now. 

Friends, do you have any leads? Please, please let me or any other member of my family know. This is a desperate plea for help. I hope it doesn't sound too desperate, but it kind of is. Contact us through comments on this blog post, any of our facebook pages, you can call or text us, come over, send smoke signals our way, and please ask your friends if they know of anything.

Prayers are also greatly appreciated.

Thank you, thank you for reading this and for being such wonderful people. I truly feel like something wonderful can happen through this if everyone just tries. 

We love and appreciate you all more than you'll ever know.

TMH

My friends, it is - at last - time to blog once more. A lot has been going on this past month and a half and I promise to blog about it soon, but for now I have something specific to write about.

The other day on my Facebook, I changed my status to "This may make me a terrible person, but I refuse to be the typical mormon housewife/mom. I admire those women so much, but it's not for me."

And I got quite a slew of responses! Well, here, see for yourself:

First of all, thank you to everyone who "liked" or commented. But I've decided that I should write a blog about this. Mostly because people want to know what I view as the "typical mormon housewife/mom", which is totes understandable. But I also want to blog about it because I want people to know how I feel...and I know I'm not the only one.

Growing up I always wanted to get married young (we're talking like 19 young) and I wanted to have lots of kids and have the perfect little [big] family. But I wasn't sure it was actually what I wanted. Does that make sense? I feel like it's just ingrained in the culture I grew up in that that's what you do when you grow up and that's what you should want.

I love Utah. Please, please don't get me wrong. And I love the community and culture that I was born and raised in - and that I'm still a part of. But I hate that this sort of brainwashing goes on. I realize that's a super harsh word, but I'm not very eloquent (and it's also 1 in the morning).

But it is a brainwashing of sorts. The women are the homemakers who have the babies and cook and clean and make themselves look completely perfect all the time - all while putting together a sharing time lesson and cooking dinner for the widows in the ward. But make sure you look good for your husband when he gets home from work! We wouldn't want him to see you in your sweats, now would we? (Also, for an added bonus, make sure you're hair is perfectly poofed all the time. The squarer the better).

And the men must go on missions when they turn 19, once they're home they must immediately attend college and find themselves a wife, and get to making babies (because we must take it upon ourselves to single-handedly multiply and replenish the earth!) And they will work day in and day out to provide for their family and when they come home from work they will be able to put their feet up and watch ESPN after they've eaten the meal their wife has prepared for them and will, undoubtedly, clean up without their help.

This isn't everyone's life. I know this is a stereotype - but it's what I see all around me. It was especially bad in the last area we lived in. It was like a competition of whose kids were the most perfect, who had the biggest house, whose husband had the best job, who drove the nicest cars, who finished their visiting teaching first, whose hair was perfectly coiffed...It was exhausting!

Don't start freaking out. This is not my view of the typical mormon mom/housewife. (It's not my view of typical, but it's all too prevalent).

To me, a typical mormon housewife/mom (TMH) is just your basic stay at home mom. (I don't use the word basic in a negative way. I'm completely aware that being a stay at home mom is far and away the hardest job in the entire universe.) The mom that has children at home who does everything for them and does most things for their husband. Really, I don't need to explain it to you - just look around you. Some typical TMH's have jobs that they work maybe once or twice a week...they probably want to get out of the house and interact with some adults, and who can blame them?

I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea and think that I am in any way downplaying the importance of being a wife, a mother, or a TMH. I think it's vital and very important and I greatly admire those who do it, and those who do it well should win an award. I think it looks ridiculously challenging and I truly respect those who do it. But I think that's why I don't want to do it. Not yet, at least. I just don't think I can handle anything that hard.

Lots of women grew up just knowing they were meant to be mothers (this is outside the brainwashing spectrum). I do believe that being a wife and mother is some womens calling in this life. But I also believe that lots of people have children because it's what they think they're supposed to be doing and because they better keep up with the Jones's and prove how they're better than them. And that makes me sad. And that's why I'm saying I refuse to do it. Because, at this point in my life, I would be fooling myself and all those around me if I told you that's what I want. The thought of me having a child right now is horrifying. I can barely even take care of myself! Thank heaven my husband knows how to make top ramen...we'd starve otherwise. Truth be told, I can't imagine having kids for 10+ years.

There are so many things I want to do! I love it just being me and Rich. I already feel like we hardly get to spend any time together and I can't imagine what having a kid would do to the little time we have. It's becoming increasingly important to me to earn my degree. I want to move to New York City and follow my dreams. I want to live outside the country for a while, or at least travel a whole lot.

I'm going to catch a lot of flack for this post. I'll probably get some hate mail...maybe lose a few "friends" because of it. But at this moment I don't regret a single word. Because it's exactly how I feel and I'm completely at peace with it.



just for the record - I didn't grow up in one of those terrible homes like I mentioned earlier. You know, the one where the mom had a square poof and the dad didn't help with anything. No, my home growing up was the best and I feel they kept their brainwashing to a minimum :)

Kat

This is my beautiful friend, Kat.
Well I guess it's Kate. She started going by Kate lately. But she'll always be Kat to me.


Kat passed away last night at the young age of 22.


I was able to perform with her last January in Hairspray. She was our Tracy Turnblad and she was absolutely brilliant. As anyone who has ever seen her perform could tell you, the girl had the voice of an angel and the moves like Jagger. And her personality was like sunshine. Look at that mega-watt smile; it always lit up the room.

I'm in complete shock. I remember that during our Hairspray rehearsals Kat was sick a lot (but always powered through things). Since then things got a lot worse and she was constantly in pain, but the doctors could never figure out what was wrong with her. She had to deal with this pain for over a year.

Then on Wednesday the 21 the doctors finally decided that it was probably her gallbladder and they decided to take it out. What they found wasn't pretty: it was full of stones and infection. It also had a bleeding ulcer. But they took it out and she was doing really well after surgery. She was doing well enough that she posted this as her Facebook status right after she woke up:

FINALLY the doctors figured out what the heck is wrong with me!! so today I had my surgery and as they were taking out the gall bladder they realized there was a major disease and a huge open ulcer that was bleeding quite heavily. talk about annoying!


And then last night she died. In her sleep, as far as we know. I guess not much is known right now (to the outside world, at least). I'm just in shock. It's so strange to have a friend pass away so unexpectedly. I've cried, but mostly I'm just in absolute shock. Kat is 22 years old. 22 year olds don't die in their sleep. They don't get bleeding ulcers on their gallbladder.

I don't really know what to feel. I guess I'm going through the grief process like everyone does.

1 - Shock and Denial. It couldn't really be true. Kat is a ball of sunshine and love! So young and full of life! And her mom, Joan, needs her. It's just Joan and Kat. No, it can't have really happened. There's been a mistake somewhere

2 - Pain and Guilt. How could I have helped? Why didn't I hang out with her more? I haven't seen her since this summer, and even though we've kept in touch what else could I have done? How could I have been a better friend? Why didn't I squeeze her so tightly when I could and tell her how much I love and treasure her and her friendship?

3 - Anger and Bargaining - Why didn't the doctors find this sooner? Why did it have to get to this point? Isn't that what they go to school for 30 years for? How the hell did they not catch this sooner and get it out of her!?

4 - Depression, Reflection, Loneliness - I wonder what the first thing she saw when she died was. Angels? Christ? The white light everyone talks about.? Was she scared or sad because she knew she was leaving this life behind? Did she hurt at all? What's she doing now? Can she see how much all of us are grieving and how much we miss her? Is she able to comfort her family? What's going to happen when I die? When we all die?

5 - The Upword Turn - Luckily I went through this pretty early today thanks to some dear friends. Bre and Addi for getting my mind off of things without even knowing it. Trevor and Luke for going to lunch with me and talking things out. Rachel for cancelling rehearsal today because she knew I wouldn't be able to handle it, and for offering to talk with me My dear, sweet cast and crew for letting me play pretend tonight to take me to another land. And for letting me be on stage just like Kat loved. For a hug and an, "I love you" from Maggie. Nate, Cassidy, Greg, Taylor, Hema, and Audrey for talking with me today so we could grieve the loss of our friend together. Tracee for being the first person I called once I realized I couldn't talk to Rich. My sweet Rich who called me immediately when he knew something wasn't right and talked me through everything. Kelsey being the poor person standing there when I found out and for listening to me and hugging me. Katrina for making sure I was okay. Facebook comments and love from numerous people including Toni, Jacey, Tessa, Tammy, Rick, Natalie, Amy and others. For the amazing people at the Midvale Main Street Theatre for banding together as a community and a family. And many whom I'm sure I forgot to name, but who've touched my heart just the same.

Now I'm just waiting for the 6 - Reconstructing and Working Through and the 7 - Acceptance and Hope. Right now I'm back at 4. Lots and lots of 4.

Thank you, my dear friends, for being you. For your love and hope and prayers. Please, please keep the Stoutsenbergers in your prayers - especially sweet Joan. What a horrible nightmare this must be for their family.

But now I leave you with a song expressing exactly how I feel at this minute.
and please ignore that this is from The Hunger Games. I promise that is a coincidence as, clearly, I'm not at the midnight showing right now. 


Please listen to the lyrics...or read them as you listen. They're beautiful.

Kat, thank you for being in my life. Thank you for teaching me about passion and true beauty and strength. I hope to be more like you every day. The choir in heaven sounds much more beautiful today with you in it. Until we meet again, sweetheart.

Black clouds are behind me
I now can see ahead.
Often I wonder why I try
hoping for an end.

Sorrow weighs my shoulders down,
and trouble haunts my mind,
but I know the present will not last,
and tomorrow will be kinder.

Tomorrow will be kinder,
it's true I've seen it before.
A brighter day is coming my way,
yes, tomorrow will be kinder.

Today I've cried a many tear,
and pain is in my heart.
Around me lies a somber scene,
I don't know where to start.

But I feel warmth on my skin,
the stars have all aligned.
The wind has blown, but now I know
that tomorrow will be kinder

Tomorrow will be kinder.
I know, I've seen it before.
A brighter day is coming my way,
yes, tomorrow will be kinder.

A brighter day is coming my way,
yes, tomorrow will be kinder.

Update: Originally no one quite knew how Kat passed away, we figured it had to have been a complication from her surgery. Kat's dad posted this on her facebook page:

Thank you for all the kind words. I wanted to share a few. Kat was going to light up Broadway someday. She endured so much pain these last few months. The surgery went perfect and she was getting the best sleep she had been able to in over 4 months. We believe she died in her sleep. And it was very likely a blood clot or blocked airway from throwing up. She passed peacefully and I will be forever grateful that we parted on a good day. She was excited to recover from the Gal-Bladder removal because she was positive it was the problem


I'm praying that Kat didn't feel any pain and that she truly did pass peacefully in her sleep. It's such a heartbreaking experience and it's been so hard on her friends and especially her family.

I know that not many of you knew Kat or her amazing family, but they are some of the kindest people I've ever known - and they could use our help right now. Final expenses are going to be a lot, especially following surgery and it's not something a family should have to stress about after losing a loved one.

A donation account has been set up at Wells Fargo banks under the name  Kaitlin Stoutsenberger. If there's any way that any of you could donate even $5, it would help the family tremendously.

Kat's funeral will be held Thursday March 29 at 1:00 at the First Ward SF South Stake Building at the corner or Center Street and 300 East, Spanish Fork. Interment will be at the Spanish Fork Cemetary following the memorial services. There will also be a viewing starting at 12 the same day in the same location and a viewing from 6:00-8:00 on Wednesday the 28 at Legacy Funeral Home 3595 N Main, in Spanish Fork.

muy excited!

So excited for this little guy to be my nephew! This is MJ, he is Mark's son; Mark is marrying my sister, Loni, on April 26.

And this is Mark (and Loni). We're also very excited for him to join our family. We love him and how happy he makes our Loni.

Hooray for love!

a long time gone

Friends! It has been too long. After my last post I just felt emotionally drained and very vulnerable. But I love you all and it's been brilliant to find out who my true friends are. And for that, I thank you.

The past couple of weeks have seemed to have dragged on F O R E V E R ! I was lucky enough to be on the crew for Weber's Tartuffe and I had an absolute blast. The show was great and I loved hanging out with the cast and the hilarious crew. So the show was one that was staged as a medicine play so the actors stayed on stage the entire show...meaning us as the wardrobe crew didn't have much to do for 2 hours. So one night we decided to make a music video (because we are cool that way). Please enjoy and feel free to laugh at us.

This past week has been spring break. Party, right? Not so much. Friday night my dear friend Landon came over and I started to feel sooo sicky and weird. I started to get really high fevers that night, the highest being 102.8. Freaky. And I was just wiped out and sooo nauseous and freeeeeeeeeeezing cold. Needless to say, I had the flu. So I was in bed from Friday night until Thursday. Happy freakin' spring break. It was pretty nasty, but I'm glad I didn't have the stomach flu.

But I'm feeling much better now, my pretties! And all things considered I am very lucky it happened over spring break because I had no classes and no rehearsals so I was able to completely relax. All signs of the flu have, thankfully, vanished. I just have a nasty cough and some lethargy left over. Hopefully that goes away because The Cradle Will Rock opens this Friday at Weber. (click here to buy tickets!) You don't want to miss this, I promise. I'm in love with this cast and crew and the message of the show...so come!

Richard is doing so great! He is nearly done, but time is going so slowly because we're on the countdown. He graduates from AIT in Ft. Jackson, South Carolina on March 29. We are hoping he gets to come home right after his graduation (which is that morning at 10:00), but we won't know anything about his flight home until the 28. Welcome to the Army. So we are just hoping and praying that he gets to come home right after graduation. We are both just so done with having him gone. I need my hubs here with me! But we've been able to talk everyday and skype a lot since he's been at AIT so that's been a huge blessing. And I am unbelievably proud of how far he's come.

I wish I had more to update you on, but I can't really think right now. I got to see my younger (I can't say "little" because he's way bigger than I am) brother, Jason, as the Cowardly Lion in Evergreen Junior High's The Wizard of Oz. You guys, I was like a proud mama. He is just so good. I know I'm bias, but he really is the best part of the show - by far. He has such a natural stage presence and a great voice, and he can dance! I couldn't be more proud of him. You still have one chance to see it; tomorrow is closing night. It's only $5 and it's so cute! Please go!

One day soon I'll load some pictures, but for now you'll have to enjoy that scrumptious music video starring Katie Jones, Bailee Paxman, Yours Truly, and a special guest appearance by Tyler Banks.

Loves!

just being me

I've been very lucky. I never went through a dramatic "Who Am I?" phase. I've mostly always known who I am and what I've wanted in my life. That's not something a lot of people can say.

My problem has been sharing exactly who I am with others. (As talked about in this post). I'm somewhat of a people pleaser. I'm very much a blue personality so I have a need for peace and harmony in my everyday life. I don't like contention (though of course it's been as much a part of my life as everyone elses). I don't like to rock the boat.

I've always felt like I've had to hide certain aspects of my life from certain people...and it differs with different groups of people. The first time I was actually able to be myself in every aspect was when I met Rich. And it was THE BEST! And then when I came up to Weber I knew I was able to just be me.

So lately I've been showing more sides of myself to the people around me. And it's been scary. And it gives me anxiety.

But it's liberating. And the response has been beautiful. I know I am surrounded with so many people who love me for exactly who I am, imperfections and all.

But you know when you're with a person and they start talking about that one person in their family or that one person that they know who is just obnoxious and doesn't shut up and doesn't have a filter? And they talk about how they're annoying and hard to be around? I'm just afraid I'm going to turn into that relative/friend. No one wants to think that someone is talking badly about your behind your back.

But why should I care what people think? I just want to be happy and feel good about myself. So as much as I want to tell you that I'm going to just be me all over the place, I can't change how I act in one day.

So I'm going to try. Day by day, I am going to try. And if you don't like me, it will probably hurt my feelings at first. If you don't like what I do, I will probably take it personally; I've always been overly sensitive. I have a very soft heart. But I'm very proud of what I'm doing in my life and where I'm going.

But living where I live and growing up where I grew up, I just feel super judged with every decision I make whether seemingly "good" or "bad".

So let's just clear a few things up right now, shall we?

I love that I am going into Musical Theatre. It's my passion and it's where my heart has always been. You might not like some of the shows I will be in. You don't have to come see them.

I love the helix piercing in my ear. I think it's cute and girly and I'm obsessed with it.

I love that I'm a consultant for Slumber Parties. I am doing it for the right reasons and I love helping women in this aspect of their lives. It fulfills me and makes me happy.

Talking about politics drives me crazy. I hate when people shove their ideas down other peoples throat. I also hate that people assume I'm conservative because I'm LDS. I also hate that people assume I'm a crazy extremist when they find out I'm more of a liberal.

Sometimes I watch Rated R movies. Actually, I watch a lot of them. And it doesn't bother me even a little bit. We own a lot of them and both of my absolute favorite movies are rated R.

I swear frequently. It's a part of my everyday vocabulary. I'll try to filter myself if I know you don't like that language, but if one slips - oops.

Several of my very best friends in the whole entire universe are gay. And I love them more than words could ever begin to describe. And I believe that they should be able to marry whoever the hell they want to.

So while a lot of these things may just be abhorring to some of you, and you may frown at me and call me a "bad mormon", I'm not. I am completely at peace with every choice that I make. I'm completely temple worthy. And I know my Heavenly Father loves me and supports me.

Why not focus your hate and judgement on things that actually deserve that kind of negative attention. You know, small things like, oh I don't know. Murder. Rape. Child Abuse. Terrorism . Domestic Violence. Racial Intolerance. Hate Crimes.

And I know I'm not alone in this. Please just stop judging the people around you! It's like this terrible plague. People just feel like they have to be better than everyone around them and for some reason it makes them feel like better people when they point out every little thing that they do "better" than someone else. But that doesn't make you any better than the person next to you.

And I don't want to surround myself with people who aren't going to bring me up, love me, and support me for exactly who I am. It's time to surround myself with positivity. I get dragged down far too easily and I just don't need that in my life.

Thank you
*steps off soapbox*

mon amour

Our great friend, Conor, took these while Rich was home for HBL.